How to know if you are in a Toxic relationship

If there is a physical, emotional or verbal abuse in any relationship, we all know it is not right and its not acceptable. But why do we helplessly carry on with life and accept it. Strangely, we try and justify the behaviours of our partners or spouses and remain helplessly dependent, and even start blaming and hating ourselves for everything and get overwhelmed with guilt. The first step is to check if we have healthy boundaries and do a reality check of your own happiness levels. Every relationship has a stage of excitement and fun, but sometimes we become so lost and confused in a relationship, that we forget that we have a life of your own.

Most relationships start with excitement, hope, anticipation and optimism in the beginning that bring people together. That is why we take pictures that shows the unrealistic hope and excitement and frame them for life! However these expectations, needs and values of one or both partners will change during the course of a relationship as time passes. However we hold on to those extremely unrealistic expectations set during the initial romantic times and sleepwalk through the changes in life itself and relationship needs. Some of our needs would never have been expressed in the first place and new needs come into being. But our expectations are frozen in time!

The very first sign to notice is when needs become demands and partners try to take control, force and manipulate each other to meet ones own needs. Belittling each other to show who is in control is a typical strategy to ensure one is always in control. Slowly one of the partners can become addicted to the royal treatment and the attention, and it becomes difficult to share anything, including attention, possessions, and love. There is a tendency to believe “I am special” and find ways to feel superior to others and seeks to be the “winner” in all transactions. Though its a harsh feeling it can be intoxicating.

Masculine and feminine Qualities

A basic understanding of the complementary nature of feminine and masculine qualities can help us to see the inevitability of conflict in our lives, and the potential for toxicity which is built into each and every one of us. These should not be confused with gender related qualities, as they are innate in nature within every species to create, sustain and propagate life. These qualities appear in both genders and across all cultures in every age. The masculine seeks structure and control with competitive and driven nature. Unless the ego is refined and While the feminine qualities are mainly intuitive and creative, receptive, empathetic and passionate in nature.

When the masculine turns toxic, the inflated and shallow ego will use confrontation, aggression and blame to control others in a relationship. While the feminine turns toxic when the submissive ego starts to blame oneself, feels worthless, avoids taking decisions at all costs and stays in victim mode. These are the toxic. The masculine belittles to control and the feminine end up being a carpet and .

Defining a boundary is the first step to meet our needs.

To meet the masculine and feminine needs, wants, we need to first define what a healthy boundary is.

A healthy physical boundary is an arm’s length at least and mental boundary is to maintain a sense of fairness in all relationship. There is never a perfect boundary, its something that we constantly must “manage” by asserting what is comfortable and what is not comfortable to us. We easily get confused between qualities like patience and humility to a submissive and victim mode and assertive and clear communication to arrogance and cocky behaviour. Saying “no” without arrogance, violence, hatred or guilt is the first step to coming out of the survival mode of lower self to learn to have a healthy boundary and develop our Self-worth and Self-confidence. Unless we start to stand up for ourselves no one else will. When we do stand up and express our needs, it does liberate a whole lot of wanted energy help up within our body and mind, for more creative pursuits.

Self-confidence is developed from self esteem and self-respect. Don’t miss any opportunity to practice saying “no”. We urgently need to learn to say no to come out of that victim mode.

Robert Frost in his poem “Mending Wall” talks about the benefits of boundaries:

‘Why do they make good neighbours? Isn't it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall, I'd ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down.’ I could say ‘Elves’ to him,

But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather

He said it for himself. I see him there

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me,

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father's saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, ‘Good fences make good neighbours.’